Video Review: Croc: Legend of the Gobbos (PlayStation)

Andy is back at it with his angriest and most patriotic review yet. Croc: Legend of the Gobbos is everything you remember about 90’s 3D platformers minus the things that made them fun.

Video transcript:

Perhaps you clicked on this video thinking, “I remember playing Croc: Legend of the Gobbos for the Sony PlayStation when I was a kid, and I remember it being a fun, cute, charming little platformer for the PlayStation.” Well, I’m here to tell you that your younger self was stupid and wrong. Croc: Legend of the Gobbos is a crock of shit.

I get it. You don’t want me to ruin your childhood memories playing one of your favorite games you ever had as a young kid, and you know, I understand that. And I don’t go into these things looking to hate these games. I want to play a game and have fun and enjoy it. And in most of my reviews, you’ve seen that I’ve been able to find the best in just about any game that I’ve looked at.

But that’s not the case with Croc: Legend of the Gobbos for the Sony PlayStation. If you want me to try to like a game, you have to try and make a good game. And making a good game is something the developers of Croc clearly didn’t try to do.

Now, somehow this game has amassed a 79.14% ranking on GameRankings.com, which is funny because I’d rather contract 79.14% of sexually transmitted diseases before I actually have to go and play this genital wart of a game ever again.

Now, to be fair, I’ve often said that the early PlayStation catalog really ages the least gracefully of most, if not all, retro gaming consoles. But this is so above and beyond anything else that I think I can think of in terms of just laziness and apathy in game design that it really stands apart from other comparable titles from around the same time period. It’s just so by-the-numbers, connect-the-dots, color-in-the-boxes game design.

I mean, just look at it. You’ve got, oh, cute animal character? Check. Does a tailwhip to kill enemies? Check. Dues a butt stomp to break open boxes? Yeah, of course it’s there. Oh, and there’s fuzzy, cute, cuddly little creatures that some evil guy has captured for some reason that you need to rescue. Yeah, never heard that one before, I bet. Oh, and random shit to collect for no reason? Of course! Plenty of platforms to jump on? Token desert level? Token volcano level? Token ice level? Everything that’s been done and beaten to death in every platforming game ever is here in Croc: Legend of the Gobbos. Or is it Gobb-ohs? I’m not sure I actually care enough. Actually, I am sure. I don’t care enough.

But we at Retrovolve do care about getting the facts, and we have utilized our connections with a trustworthy and reliable national security agency to procure a copy — a recorded version of the original conversation that occured between a Sony executive and a member of the Argonaut Software team. Go ahead and take a listen.

[Phone sounds]

Steve: Argonaut Software, this is Steve.

Ed: Hey Steve, it’s Ed from Sony Entertainment. How are you?

Steve: I’m good, [inaudible]…

Ed: Shut up. I… We’ve got this new system coming out… err.. I think it has come out. I don’t pay attention. It’s, uh, called the Sony, uh, something station something? It’s like one of those Nintendos that all the kids love. But listen, we just had this thing come out, but, uh, we don’t have a lot games for it, so we need some new stuff coming out on this system, so this Christmas all the parents out there will buy it for their kids. We’re wondering if this is something you could help us out with.

Steve: Ah, yeah, sure. What kind of game are you thinking you want?

Ed: Well, uh, we’re wanting something with a, uh, a cute sort of animal character who jumps on stuff and collects stuff and walks trough doors, um…

Steve: Oh, you mean like maybe Super Mario 64…

Ed: No. No no no. We’re not looking for something that’s actually good or fun. We just need something that we can put in a jewel case, shrinkwrap, and send off to stores, and then dumb parents are going to buy it for their inevitably disappointed kids this Christmas.

Steve: Well, I mean, we could do something like that, but I’ve been working on this new role-playing–

Ed: Shut up, nerd! Just, just make us a shitty game, get it to us in, say, two weeks, and I’ll send you a check and we’ll both be rich. How’s that sound?

Steve: Well, I don’t know. I have to ask our head of develop–

Ed: Just get the game done, Sean.

Steve: It’s Steve.

Ed: Whatever, Lawrence.

[Phone disconnects.]

Retrovolve again would like to thank the NSA, who absolutely in no way blackmailed me by threatening to release naked pictures of me and my ex-girlfriend on the Internet in exchange for me saying good things about them on the YouTube channel. You certainly know what’s best for me, and what’s best for America.

Okay, so there’s nothing inherently wrong with kid-friendly 3D platforming games. Hell, there were plenty of great ones that were released on the Sony PlayStation. Of course there’s Crash Bandicoot and my favorite, Spyro the Dragon. All fantastic, fun, engrossing games that were enjoyable for people of all ages and all experience levels. But there is a problem with making shitty, awful games like Croc.

Now, the biggest problem is with the controls, which default to the directional pad, which… Any time you’re using a D-pad in a 3D environment, it’s usually a terrible experience. But somehow, by switching to the analog setting, it’s somehow even worse.

And add to that that there’s really no sense of depth with anything. You can’t tell if a platform is ten feet in the air or if it’s halfway submerged in a lake of lava. Obviously this presents a big problem in a game where the majority of everything revolves around jumping on shit. It’s infuriating. I’m getting angry just talking about it.

And remember how awesome regenerating enemies was? Well, in this game they regenerate in about three seconds, so once you clear out a room of enemies, walk around for three seconds and oh, there they are again. And you can’t see them, and they’ll kill you.

But really, all this anger and frustration is only there to build you up for the final boss, which is by far one of the most impossible, infuriating, piece-of-shit levels I’ve ever played in my life. Now it wouldn’t be so bad if the controls worked or the camera worked or anything worked in this game. But nothing does. I couldn’t even tell what I was supposed to do. Was I supposed to hit these gongs? Did I need to attack him? I don’t know. I couldn’t even barely see him most of the time. And I tried for about a half an hour to beat this, and eventually I had no choice but just to give up because… Fuck you, Croc, you’re not worth my time.

There… I just don’t see any way that a sane person can sit down and enjoy this game. It’s… unless you’re some sort of weird glutton for punishment, you just need to avoid this game like it’s Ebola. It even almost made me just sell my entire video game collection, trade in my closet full of heavy metal band T-shirts, get a white shirt and black tie and join the Jehovah’s Witnesses. It’s that horrible.

So no, I won’t continue, Croc. I’m going to let all your stupid fuzzy friends die, and you’ll be sad about it. Go fuck yourself. It’s Croc, for the Sony PlayStation.